More than likely you’ve seen or heard about Bruce Jenner’s debut as a “woman” on the cover of Vanity Fair. The 65 year old former track and field star earned a gold medal in the 1976 Olympics, became the second athlete to grace the Wheaties cereal box, and fathered 6 children from 3 marriages.
Now, Bruce Jenner gets to live out his fantasy of being a woman. Soon Jenner will get to join a roughly estimated 700,000 Americans who have been assigned with a new gender. In the state of California, Jenner will be able to legally go from male to female on his driver’s license, birth certificate and other legal documents. Even his Wikipedia page has been carefully edited with the appropriate gender-specific pronouns. As a matter of fact, try searching for Bruce Jenner and Google will correct you with results showing “Caitlyn” (the correct name that Bruce will go by from now on).
Seemingly, our main stream media, his loved ones, doctors and so many impartial Americans have joined forces to make this man’s dream become a reality. During his cover story interview, Jenner revealed that he’s really looking forward to more girls’ nights.
“You can talk about outfits. You can talk about hair and makeup, anything you want. It becomes not a big deal,” Jenner told Vanity Fair.
Yes, because that’s what being a woman is all about. Girls’ night. Hair. Makeup. Isn’t it just like a man to think that the basis of womanhood is cosmetics and girl talk. Here’s the thing, I honestly don’t care what Bruce or Caitlyn wants to do with his body and like so many people expressed via social media, “whatever floats his boat.”
Yet, as a woman (and I have enough experience being one for nearly 37 years), I don’t think Jenner is about this life. In all fairness, how dare him spend more than half his life as the privileged, all-American male and then break the internet as a fabulous 65 year old woman with no cellulite or stretch marks to show for it? Holy crap, it is a man’s world after all.
If I was responsible for this whole gender reassignment, I would need Bruce to carry out these bare minimum female requirements. So, here’s my personal fantasy of what Caitlyn needs to do before he can claim womanhood:
1. First thing on his agenda should be to get a vagina. According to Vanity Fair, Bruce still doesn’t have one and I can’t think of one woman who doesn’t.
2. Next, he’ll have to schedule his first ob/gyn visit because as we know, vaginas need to get checked. Of course, he’ll need usual screenings for cervical cancer, infections, urinary tract problems etc.
3. After that, he must make that awkward first trip to the pharmacy and experience the utter confusion over pads versus tampons, wings or no wings, to douche or not to douche, Midol or Pamprin. He’ll get to be where all the action happens…in the feminine products aisle.
4. Eventually, he’ll need to get a mammogram because the possibility of any cancerous tumors lurking in one of his new voluptuous boobies would be devastating.
5. Then, here comes menopause! However, I’m sure one of his ex-wives can support him through the hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, weight gain, loss of libido and yikes…vaginal dryness.
6. Since he’s rejecting all things masculine, I’m assuming he’ll want to forego celebrating Father’s Day and be a mom and grandma instead. So it’s only right that he should know how it feels to carry one of his 6 children — morning sickness, hypersalivation, back pain, swollen feet and legs, frequent urination and at last, the indescribable pain that happens during childbirth.
Look, I’m not trying to make womanhood sound hellish or dictate anyone’s personal choice. I said all of this to say that being a woman entails a lot more than a breast job, lipstick, hair extensions and genital reconstruction surgery.